THE THREE STOOGES

The Three Stooges were an American vaudeville and comedy act of the early to mid–20th century best known for their numerous short subject films. Their hallmark was physical farce and extreme slapstick. In films, the Stooges were commonly known by their first names: "Moe, Larry, and Curly" and "Moe, Larry, and Shemp," among other lineups. They first started as "Ted Healy and his Stooges" which contained Moe, Larry and Shemp. "The Three Stooges" film trio was originally composed of Moe Howard, brother Curly Howard and Larry Fine. Shemp Howard replaced brother Curly, when Curly suffered a debilitating stroke in May 1946.

After Shemp's death from a heart attack in November 1955, he was replaced by comedian Joe Besser, after the use of film actor Joe Palma to film four Shemp-era shorts. Ultimately, Joe DeRita (nicknamed "Curly Joe") replaced Joe Besser by 1958. The act regained momentum throughout the 1960s as popular kiddie fare until Larry Fine's paralyzing stroke in January 1970 effectively marked the end of the act proper. Moe tried unsuccessfully one final time to revive the Stooges with longtime supporting actor Emil Sitka filling in for Larry. Larry ultimately succumbed to a series of additional strokes in January 1975, followed by Moe, who died of lung cancer in May 1975.

The Three Stooges started in 1925 as part of a raucous vaudeville act called 'Ted Healy and His Stooges' (a.k.a. 'Ted Healy and His Southern Gentlemen', 'Ted Healy and His Three Lost Souls' and 'Ted Healy and His Racketeers'—the moniker 'Three Stooges' was never used during their tenure with Healy). In the act, lead comedian Healy would attempt to sing or tell jokes while his noisy assistants would keep "interrupting" him. Healy would respond by verbally and physically abusing his stooges. Brothers Moe and Shemp were joined later that year by violinist-comedian Larry Fine, and Fred Sanborn joined the group as well.

In 1930, Ted Healy and His Stooges (including Sanborn) appeared in their first Hollywood feature film, Soup to Nuts, released by Fox Film Corporation. The film was not a critical success, but the Stooges' performances were singled out as memorable, leading Fox to offer the trio a contract minus Healy. This enraged the prickly Healy, who told studio executives that the Stooges were his employees. The offer was withdrawn, and after Howard, Fine and Howard learned of the reason, they left Healy to form their own act, which quickly took off with a tour of the theatre circuit. Healy attempted to stop the new act with legal action, claiming they were using his copyrighted material. There are accounts of Healy threatening to bomb theaters if Howard, Fine and Howard ever performed there, which worried Shemp so much that he almost left the act; reportedly, only a pay raise kept him on board.[1] Healy tried to save his act by hiring replacement stooges, but they were inexperienced and not as well-received as their predecessors.[1] In 1932, with Moe now acting as business manager, Healy reached a new agreement with his former Stooges, and they were booked in a production of Jacob J. Shubert's The Passing Show of 1932. During rehearsals, Healy received a more lucrative offer and found a loophole in his contract allowing him to leave the production.[1] Shemp, fed up with Healy's abrasiveness,[1] decided to quit the act and found work almost immediately, in Vitaphone movie comedies produced in Brooklyn, New York.

With Shemp gone, Healy and the two remaining stooges (Moe and Larry) needed a replacement, so Moe suggested his younger brother Jerry Howard. Healy reportedly took one look at Jerry, who had long chestnut red locks and a handlebar mustache, and remarked that he did not look like he was funny.[1] Jerry left the room and returned a few moments later with his head shaved (though his mustache remained for a time), and then quipped "Boy, do I look girly." Healy heard "Curly," and the name stuck. (There are varying accounts as to how the Curly character actually came about.)

In 1933, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM) signed Healy and his Stooges to a movie contract. They appeared in feature films and short subjects, either together, individually, or with various combinations of actors. The trio was featured in a series of musical comedy shorts, beginning with Nertsery Rhymes. The short was one of a few shorts to be made with an early two-strip Technicolor process, including one featuring Curly without Healy or the other Stooges, Roast Beef and Movies (1934). The shorts themselves were built around recycled film footage of production numbers cut from MGM musicals, such as Children of Pleasure, Lord Byron of Broadway, and the unfinished March of Time (all 1930), which had been filmed in early Technicolor. Soon, additional shorts followed (sans the experimental Technicolor), including Beer and Pretzels (1933), Plane Nuts (1933), and The Big Idea (1934).

Healy and company also appeared in several MGM feature films as comic relief, such as Turn Back the Clock (1933), Meet the Baron (1933), Dancing Lady (1933), Fugitive Lovers (1934), and Hollywood Party (1934). Healy and the Stooges also appeared together in Myrt and Marge for Universal Pictures.

In 1934, the team's contract with MGM expired, and the Stooges parted professional company with Healy. According to Moe Howard's autobiography,[2] the Stooges split with Ted Healy in 1934 once and for all because of Healy's alcoholism and abrasiveness. Their final film with Healy was MGM’s 1934 film, Hollywood Party. Both Healy and the Stooges went on to separate successes, with Healy dying under mysterious circumstances in 1937.

n 1934, the trio – now officially christened "The Three Stooges" – signed on to appear in two-reel comedy short subjects for Columbia Pictures. In Moe's autobiography, he said they each got $600 per week on a one-year contract with a renewable option;[2] in the Ted Okuda–Edward Watz book The Columbia Comedy Shorts, the Stooges are said to have received $1,000 between them for their first Columbia effort, Woman Haters, and then signed a term contract for $7,500 per film, to be divided among the trio.[3]

z

If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip... joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health
or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single "oy."

There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.

The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the
Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving
kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill
you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain,
though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away,
yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have
attained full Enlightenment.
But, first, a little nosh

Y

ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a
mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.

VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.

LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.

SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.

CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.

X

You might be an engineer if...

You and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.

All your sentences begin with "what if".

At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

Dilbert is your hero.

Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.

In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.

On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.

People groan at the party when you pick out the music.

The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.

When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

You are always late to meetings.

You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud.

You are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.

You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.

You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.

You are still drinking Mr. Pibb.

You are wine tasting and find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the '84 Chardonnay.

You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.

You bought your wife's valentine gift at orchard supply.

You can name at least six Star Trek episodes.

You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

You can understand anything Al Gore says.

You can't fit any more colored pens in your shirt pocket.

You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.

You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

You carry a list for everything except the groceries.

You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel You disdain people who use low baud rates.

You do Darth Vader or Battlestar Gallactica impersonations by talking into a spinning fan.

You drive a gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.

You ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project You ever forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.

You find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage handling equipment.

You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.

You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

You have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Piccard.

You have ever owned a calculator with no equals key and know what RPN stands for.

You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is".

You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.

You have introduced your kids by the wrong name.

You have memorized the Discovery Channel program schedule but have seen most of the shows already.

You have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

You have never backed up your hard drive.

You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.

You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

You introduce your wife/husband as "mylady@home.wife/husband".

You just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.

You know how to take the cover off your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.

You know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment on commercial flights.

You know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

You know what http:// stands for.

You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys You need a checklist to turn on the TV.

You order pizza over the Internet and pay for it through your home banking software.

You own "Official Star Trek" anything.

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

You rearrange the dishwasher to maximize the packing factor.

You remember half a dozen passwords and your ten-digit Compuserve address, but you have to call your niece "kiddo".

You rooted for HAL, the computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

You see a good design and still have to change it.

You spend more time on your home computer than in your car.

You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.

You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

You talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.

You talk about trellis code modulation at parties.

You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.

You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

You think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children.

You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

You think your computer looks better without the cover.

You thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid.

You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.

You use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.

You walk around with your hands in your two front pockets 99% of the time.

You want an 24X CD ROM for Christmas.

You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).

You window shop at Radio Shack.

You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite You've already calculated how much you make per second.

You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat, 3. Sugar, 4. Chocolate.

Your checkbook always balances.

Your dress clothes come from Sears.

Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.

Your favorite actor is R2D2.

Your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor".

Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.

Your favorite place in San Francisco is the Exploratorium.

Your favorite television show is New Yankee Workshop.

Your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.

Your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog.

Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.

Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest.

sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies Your Internet bill is higher than your long distance charges.

Your IQ is a higher number than your weight.

Your kids refer to you as The Man Who Sleeps with Mommy.

Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

Your spouse sends you an email instead of calling you to dinner.

Your three-year-old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.

Your wardrobe looks like you shop at Goodwill Industries.

Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.

Your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre.

Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 450Mhz Pentium.

Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.

W

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.

COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???"
COP: "You must come to a full stop at the sign."
GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"
The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy.
COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?"

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing!

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be
upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up--sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man answers, "In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!"

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on top... The mouth said, ''I should be on top because, without me, you wouldn't be able to eat.'' Then the stomach said, ''Ya but if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and vitamins throughout the body, I should be on top.'' Then the heart said, ''I should be on top because I'm the one who takes the blood from point A to point B. Without me, the body would die.'' Then the brain said, '' Well, without me, you wouldn't be able to move, eat, digest or allow circulation of blood, so I should be on top.'' Now, the asshole was beginning to get annoyed, ''You know, I should be on top because I can just shut my hole and then shit will accumulate and block the digestive track and screw all of you up.'' It was chaos, everyone was yelling and fighting. Finally, the asshole got fed up, ''That's it, I'm fed up, I'm shutting up my hole.''

So for a few days, the body couldn't shit and the brain had trouble moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow going, everyone was begging the asshole to open up, The brain said, ''Please open up, you made your point, your on top, just open up.'' The asshole smiled, ''So everyone agrees that I'm on top?'' ''YES'' everyone shouted. ''OK!'' so the asshole opened up and the body could shit again. The moral of this story is, you have to be an asshole to be on top...

Mr. Bradley and his wife have moved to a new apartment in a new building on the 11th floor. The building wasn't yet completed since the elevator wasn't yet installed. So they had to take up the furniture through the emergency stairway. With difficulties and sweat, and by the end of the day, they managed to complete the task. Mrs. Bradley wanted to do laundry so she asked Mr. Bradley to be a good boy and go down to Mr. Peabody's new store and buy her soap detergent. Mr. Bradley went down the stairway from the 11th. floor and entered Mr. Peabody's new store.

Mr. Bradley : "Hello Mr. Peabody. I would like some soap detergent for my wife."

Mr. Peabody : "What brand name is your washer machine?"

Mr. Bradley : "Why??.. I don't know ... Why? "

Mr. Peabody : " I can't sell you soap detergent unless you told me the make of your washer machine. I have a store to run and I care about its reputation Mr. Bradley.

Mr. Peabody continued to refuse to sell Mr. Bradley soap detergent unless he told him the make of his washer machine.

So Mr. Bradley became very angry and had to leave and go all the way back up the stairway to get what Mr. Peabody wanted. When he found out the brand of his washer machine, he went back all the way down and told Mr. Peabody the his washer machine's make was (GENERAL ELECTRIC).

Mr. Peabody : " What's the voltage. Is it 110 or 220 volts?"
Mr. Bradley : " I don't know and I don't care! ... Just sell me the stupid detergent!!!!..."

Mr. Peabody : " I can't.. I just can't risk the reputation of my new store. You have told tell me the voltage of your washer machine."

So angrily... Mr. Bradley had to go all the way back up to find out the voltage. As he was going down the stairway, sweating like a dog, he met one of his neighbors, Sam. Sam was naked waist down, and very angry, carrying a toilet seat and going down the stairs also sweating like a dog.

Mr. Bradley : " SAM.... what in the world is going on? why are you naked waist down and carrying a toilet seat?"

Sam : " Leave me alone Mr. Bradley... I'm very angry right now and don't feel like answering." Mr. Bradley kept insisting on Sam to tell him, but Sam kept quite and was getting angrier until they both entered Mr. Peabody's store.

Sam quickly went in, very angry and stood in the middle of the store and yelled as loud as he could saying : " Well Mr. Peabody.... Here's my toilet seat and also here's my ass... NOW.... WOULD YOU PLEASE SELL ME MY TOILET PAPER??"

V

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.

Q. Why did the tomato blush?
A. Because he saw the salad, dressing.

Q. What did the lettuce say to the celery?
A. Are you stalking me?

Q. Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?
A. Because he couldn't find a date!

Q. What did one vegetarian spy say to the other vegetarian spy?
A. We have to stop meating like this.

Q. What do you call a vegetarian who goes back to eating meat?
A. Someone who lost their veg-inity!

Q. Have you heard of the garlic diet?
A. You don't lose much weight, but from a distance, your friends think you look thinner.

Q. Why do people kill animals?
A. Fur convenience steak.

Q. How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. I don't know, but where do you get your protein?

Q. What do you call a militant vegan?
A. Lactose intolerant.

Q. What's the best way to keep milk fresh?
A. Leave it in the cow.

Q. Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper?
A. He sold his soul to seitan!

Mrs. Smith had cooked a halfway decent meal one night, and the old Smith had been goin' at it with gusto. He was about halfway finished his meal when he took a good long look at the potato. He looked over at Mrs. Smith and said, "This potato is bad." Mrs. Smith picked it up, smacked it, and put it back on his plate... then said, "If that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

U

1. "BARNEY GETS A BONER"

2. "BARNEY'S NIGHT WITH MADONNA"

3. "BARNEY, BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD"

4. "BARNEY DOES SNUFFELUPIGUS"

5. "JURASSIC BARNEY"

6. "BARNEY TALKS TO THE AUTHORITIES ABOUT MISSING CHILDREN"

7. "BARNEY GETS THE LAB RESULTS ON THOSE GREEN SPOTS"

8. "BARNEY BUYS A RUBBER"

9. "BARNEY BARBEQUES THE BACKYARD GANG"

10. "PICKING UP THE DINO-DOO"

11. "BOPPING BABY BOP"

12. "BARNEY'S FAVORITE SAILOR SONGS"

13. "BARNEY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET"

14. "BARNEY MEETS GODZILLA"

15. "BARNEY ON A BENDER"

16. "BARNEY HAS NEEDS..."

17. "BARNEY AT BETTY FORD"

18. "BARNEY ADMITS EATING ALL THE ADULTS"

19. "BARNEY'S BIG PURPLE ONE"

20. "BARNEY BUYS A BLOW-UP DOLL"

21. "BARNEY DOES IT DOGGIE-STYLE"

These University jokes are poking fun at the "other" universities in your area. We welcome University jokes from universities students around the world...

Canada

Q. Why don't they have Christmas at Western?
A. They can't find a virgin and three wise men.

Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at McMaster?
A. With a restraining order.

Q. Why is it so windy in Kingston?
A. Because Queen's blows.

Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Laurier campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.

Q. What's the first thing a York girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.

Q. How can you tell if a McMaster student is a heterosexual?
A. He can outrun his roommate!

Q. What does a U of T student call a Waterloo student after graduation?
A. Boss.

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Guelph?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Q. Did you hear that the library at Ryerson burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset....some of the books weren't colored-in yet.

Q. Why do York graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q. How do you get a Western grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.

Q. Who does the Waterloo Engineering Society fear the most?
A. Immigration.

A severe storm rumbled through Guelph last week and destroyed the entire town:
$10 worth of damage was reported.

Remember... friends don't let friends go to U of T... If you can walk and talk, you can go to Brock. If you can use a fork, you can go to York. If you are a conceited, arrogant bastard, you can go to Ryerson.

United States / Australia / Europe

Q. What does Indiana University need to win a basketball championship?
A. A coach

Q. What to they call students who go to Yale?
A. Rejects from Harvard!

Q. Why does Texas A &M have Astroturf at their football stadium
A. To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.

Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from the university of Oklahoma have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.

I have nothing against the University of Kentucky's Basketball team. They have the best team money can buy.

An accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

T

1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)

2. Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3. Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)

4. Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5. Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6. Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)

7. Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)

8. Thou shall not wear revealing clothes in class.
(Hooters pays more)

9. Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")

10. Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave 'em in the middle)

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."


The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"

S

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.

Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.

These valuable courses specific to the needs of women has been thoughtfully prepared and presented by men as in-depth and life changing courses.

1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

6. The Seven-Outfit Week

7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it"

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "Me Too" Equals I Love You

14. How to Earn Your Own Money

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics = Good"

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

R

Are you tired of those asinine "friendship" poems with decent intentions, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here's a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

Great Reasons To Be A Guy...

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

Q

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.

Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once were worriers.

Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.

Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!

Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.

Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.

Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport?
A. Football.

Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.

Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.

Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.

Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.

Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.

Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavours.

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!

Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!

Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.

Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

P

Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.

Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.

Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.

Depression Pick
When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.

Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.

Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom.
And the best part is, there's no time limit!

Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back
the smile.

Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....

Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.

Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

O

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog... it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

There was a little "incident" at your house today while you were gone. Please allow me to explain: I was watching T.V. and I heard this beeping going off in the kitchen. The first thing I thought of was the smoke detector going off so I ran into the kitchen and checked everything out. By the time I got to the kitchen, the beeping had stopped and I couldn't smell any smoke.

I went back to watching my movie and I kept hearing a beep every minute. I knew that the type of smoke detector that you have is the type that took a few minutes to reset itself. I kept watching my movie , and about 10 minutes later I was really getting pissed off that the beeping continued. I paused the movie, ran out to the kitchen, unhooked the detector, and went back to the movie.

The beeping continued.

Having a college degree in electronics, I knew that the capacitors could hold a charge after the batteries were removed. About 20 minutes later, I was really getting pissed because I could still hear the beeping. And I got so mad, I went out and grabbed a pair of wire cutters and cut the fucking speaker off the smoke detector and left it sitting on the counter.

I sat back down and heard "beep".

Now I was fucking fuming. I listened to that fucking "beep" about three more times, then I finally got a hammer and pounded the ever-loving shit out of your fucking smoke detector on the counter (while I was pounding I heard "beep"). It was really getting me mad. I sat back down and resumed the movie and sure enough "beep". I had the wire cutters in my hand and I went out (curious to see what the hell could still be running it) and cut all the little parts into pieces, and put half into a little plastic container and left half on the counter. I took half the parts over to the living room thinking if it beeps I know it's these, and half the parts I left on the counter knowing it would be them.

In moments I heard the parts in the kitchen beep. So I took them into the living room and spread them on the table, staring at them, saying to myself "the fucking part that beeps, will get smashed" Not three seconds later, the parts I just had, now on the counter in the kitchen beeped. I was furious. I thought to myself, (his smoke detector is possessed). I brought all the parts into the living room and laid them out on the coffee table. I was staring at them, just waiting for one of them to beep so I could smash the shit out of it.

All of a sudden, I hear "beep", but it was coming from the kitchen. I walked out there, all freaked out. I just waited.. and waited.. it seemed like hours but was only 30 seconds later, I heard the mystifying "beep" coming from your jacket. I looked in the jacket and it was your beeper that you had left at home by accident. All I could do was take my hammer and beat the ever-loving shit out of your beeper because I was the one who paged you. Sorry!

N

MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

Airbag Contest a Success!

DETROIT -- With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.

"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

Though it does not officially begin until July 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!" Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion." Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."

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